Introducing the Exammys
As promised, here are the Exammys which are like the Grammys, only that they are awarded to exams and the categories are much funnier than those of the MTV Movie Awards. The aim of this prize is to give you an idea of some of the exams I did before I created this blog.
So, let’s kick things off.
Category “Hands up! This is a robbery!” – The Exammy goes to: Physics. Ok, first year, second semester. The lecturer was rubbish so I stopped wasting my time and thought I’d have learnt much more if I had studied at home on my own. So I ceased going to any lecture after the first two weeks. With hindsight, that would have worked as planned if I hadn’t followed the advice of the professor and bought what is actually the worst physics book ever. You see it was for students of Medicine, who have the same knowledge of physics of a 13-years-old kid.
Anyhow, I mastered the written part of the exam but, when it came to the oral one, I’d have certainly deserved nothing more than 25/30, which would have resulted (considering the weighted mean) in a 27. Don’t ask me how but, after a rubbish exam, the examiner said: “Well, all things considered, it’s 29.” Of course mate…
Category “That’s it?!” - The Exammy goes to: Animal Biology. Once again first year but, this time, first semester. Again, written test plus oral part. Fantastic the former, the latter lasted less than 2 minutes and most of the time I felt the professor was chatting with me, rather than asking me questions. Highest mark, in the end, but I clearly remember a worried girl came to me, while I was going out of the department, and asked me “How is it?” “I really have no idea” – I replied.
Category “Man, I kick asses!” - The Exammy goes to: Pharmaceutical Chemistry part I. Not that much to say: I was the only one who had tried to work out a possible mechanism for a reaction which occurs in the industrial synthesis of Naproxen: the Wilgerodt (ehm, Willgerodt) Reaction. In those days, I was an active member of Chemical Forums so, with the help of HP and His Majesty Mitch (Chemical Forums Supremo), I could also post a reaction pathway. The professor got very curious when I told him I posted what I believed the most plausible mechanism for that step on the internet. That was the best grand finale for a superb exam. Not to mention the first two students who did the exam before: appalling.
Category “What is you f****** problem, prof?!” - The Exammy goes to: Pathology. I believe it’s very uncommon to have a professor who burns you up throughout the exam and, after the other examiner has given you a deserved 28/30 (I wasn’t prepared very much, I have to admit), because she cannot enrage you any more, tells you: “I don’t like you because you’re arrogant.” (Actually she used a metaphor that is catchy only in Italian: something like “You have a ball-in-the-hole behaviour.”) I hope I won’t see you any more, honey.
Category: “Hot in herrrrre!” - The Exammy goes to: Analytical Chemistry. Second year, second semester. Hottest June in the last 200 years or so. Very, very hot and humid morning. Small room and NO AIR CONDITIONING! The exam (oral at the blackboard) went on for ages and I clearly remember I saw drops of sweat gently falling from my nose on the floor, while the examiner was like “well…what could I ask you for the laude?”
Category: “Funniest exam to prepare” - The Exammy goes to: Prokaryotic Molecular Biology. Surprised?
Category “I am thy professor, thy Light, thy Father!” - The Exammy goes to: Biochemistry. The professor himself (busiest man in the World: so busy he lectured us actually for 10 hours out of 64) appeared and I was the only student to have the priceless opportunity to be examined by His Majesty. At the end of my exam he felt the need to shake my hand. Then he gave me his benediction and ascended into the sky on a golden cloud, surrounded by cherubs and the room was filled with a strong scent of roses.
Category “Your first exam is like your first love: unforgettable!” - The Exammy goes to: Mathematics. Ok, this is not a real Exammy: it’s a special prize I have to award to that crazy man, great lecturer and excellent cyclist who lectured me about mathematics. That was my very first exam. The “oral” part (a couple of functions whose two derivatives had to be calculated and drawn on the blackboard), took place on January 29, 2004: a day I’ll never forget.
That’s it, ladies and gentlemen. 34 in 4 years. Some, as you’ve just read, were peculiar, but most of them were rather normal. Each of them, though, had something unique and something I really liked: that must have helped me a lot.
Unfortunately, there was only room for a subject in my heart and molecular biology filled that void. But that’s a different story.
If all our fondest memories are regrets then I had a wonderful time in formal education. Education traditionaly enshrines the past and denies the future. Before pouring a firm foundation it is good to wonder, "what kind of building do I want at the end?"
All that has changed. American zero-goal education starts building at the third floor. It demands destination is not continent upon starting point, vehicle, or the driver. It substitutes stolid certainty with political necessity. The universe knows the difference between process and product - and it is not shy about impressing quality control at the shipping dock.